Question: Tooth fairy, Easter bunny, EJB programmer and a .NET programmer all meet at a four way intersection. Which one has the right of way?
Answer: EJB programmer, the rest are all figments of your imagination.
Why is an enterprise application server better than a woman?
.If you pick the right one, it doesn't have to cost a lot of money.
.Your app server doesn't get jealous if you deploy your component elsewhere.
.If you change app servers, you don't have to pay alimony.
.Your buddies can all use the app server at the same time.
Session Bean walks into a bar and asks for a Jack Daniels on the rocks...bartender says "I'm afraid I can't serve you any alcohol", and the Session Bean says, "why not ? Are you discriminating against Session Beans ?" and the bartender replies "well, look at the state you're in".
A LinkedList walks into a bar frequented by Vectors, and says to the barman "I'll take a Jack Daniels, on the rocks", and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve your type here"
A bunch of 17 year olds - ClassCast, IllegalArgument and ArrayOutOfBounds - decide to chance their arm, and try and get served at the bar. The Bartender takes one look at them, and asks them for ID. ClassCast hands over his fake ID, IllegalArgument hands over his brother Throwable's ID, but ArrayOutOfBounds doesn't have any fake ID. The Bartender says "Sorry guys, you'll have to leave unless I can see some ID". ClassCast pleads with the barman "can't you just bend the rules for us ?" and the barman says "Sorry, no Exceptions".
What has the likelihood of .NET being a flop, got in common with predicate checking in Java 1.4 ?
They're both assert.
9:00 AM
Project manager: " Where is Joe?"
Java programmer A: " You know he is always lazy loadded."
1:00 PM:
Project manager: " Where is Joe??"
Java programmer B: " He is in passive mode."
5:30 PM:
Project manager: " Could I see Joe in rest of my life ?????"
Java programmer C: "Never, he has been garbage collected."
Dolly the sheep was done by overriding its parents clone() method. well, they used deep copy here. i wonder how Dolly would look like if they had used shallow copy - what a mess
Two session beans in love are sitting cuddled close together:
"Oh Jarling, my Singleon!", the female session bean exclaims.
"Let's go Home and Make love.", the male session bean replies.
"But we can't", the female session bean says. "I don't want to create() new() instances."
"Don't worry" the male session bean replies with a smile. "My constructor is protected."
Two female entity beans are talking at the bar:
"Hey, have you seen that handsome session bean at the other end of the bar.", the first entity bean says.
The second one, known for being cynical, replies:
"He's probably just a cute Facade and no Content. Besides, he can't keep up a conversation. He's stateless."
VM1: My friend brad.jsp and his wife entity.class finally broke it off.
VM2: Really, what happend ?
VM1: Well it was a few things, first he is a jsp and she is an entity bean and they never really got along
but the situation got worse when he started seeing other entity beans and started using to much JDBC.
VM2: Thats to bad.
VM1: I guess she was not very secure in the relationship and had a hard time managing her children (aggregates), but their relationship is much better because they communicate through a facade... I think they work better when they are apart.
He is no longer using JDBC, looks great, and seems to be performing better at work, and they both have agreed to allow their freind accountant.class, a non biased stateless session bean handle all of their business logic.
As for her, I guess she is seeing other jsp's.... through their facade of course !
Over-heard a conversation between a session bean and a entity bean..
Damn, the new comers are unfortunate ones. Why there are so many of them in the homeless shelter ?
(apparently they were referring to message-driven beans).
Q - How many Java programmers does it take to screw in lightbulb?
A - Eight! One to screw in the lightbulb and seven to debate the optimum wattage, which shape of lightbulb gives more light, who is the best lightbulb vendor, whether we should have an open source lightbulb, and which lightbulb performs better on the EIPerf (Enterprise Illumination Performance) benchmark!
A Java Programmer recites the Lord's Prayer
import org.religion.*;
public class LordsPrayer
{
public void pray()
{
// Our Father, who art in heaven,
//
God ourFather = Heaven.getGodInstance();
// Hallowed be thy Name.
//
ourFather.getName().setHallowed( true );
// Thy kingdom come.
//
ourFather.getKingdom().setWelcome( true );
// Thy will be done in earth
// As it is in heaven.
//
boolean isWillDone = Heaven.isWillDone( ourFather );
Earth.setWillDone( ourFather, isWillDone );
// Give us this day our daily bread.
//
Bread dailyBread = ourFather.getBread( new Date() );
// And forgive us our trespassess,
// As we forgive those who trespass against us.
//
synchronized
{
ourFather.forgive( this.getTrespasses() );
this.forgive( this.getTrespassers() );
}
// And lead us not into temptation;
// But deliver us from evil:
//
ourFather.removeTemptationListener( this );
ourFather.deliverFrom( Evil, this );
// For thine is the kingdom, and the power,
// and the glory, for ever.
//
for (;;)
{
Kingdom.setOwner( ourFather );
Power.setOwner( ourFather );
Glory.setOwner( ourFather );
}
// Amen.
//
finalize();
}
}
Romeo and Juliet
What would Juliet have said if she had been a Java programmer?
Juliet breaking Java Rules !
it should be
Romeo romeo = null;
boolean isJulietHappy = false;
int tryCount = 5;
while(!isJulietHappy && (tryCount > 0))
{
try
{
romeo = new Romeo();
isJulietHappy = true;
}
catch(Exception e)
{
Weep();
tryCount--;
}
}
-Enterprise Server: waiter on StarTrek
-XML: shirt size between Medium and Large
-LAN-WAN thank you 'Mam
-Relational Database: used to track extended families
-EPROM: what geeks go to in High School
-Spontaneous Networking: what happens when sales reps get together in the same room
The Entity Beans were in a real bad mood, they thought these session beans are lucky, they enjoy in a pool and they don't have to remember their state. And The Poor Entity beans have to work always in the cache with frequent activation and passivation. They all got together and decided to teach a lesson to the container and to have a day off, and then the container finally surrendered and had to throw CacheFullException.
"You're all class" regarding abstract base classes not being instantiated.
"You've not no class" regarding an interface.
Superclass speaks to scumbag villian "Say goodnight, you've just been garbage collected buddy"
Parent class talking about lazy child ( derived ) class, "It's not really his fault, he was born with no main method"
SecurityManager talking to apprehended ( Excepted )class, "Sorry Buddy, nobody getProperties on my watch"
ANT buildfile 1 to ANT buildfile 2 after failure to sell house, "Sorry mate, you should know properties are immutable"
Java class 1 talking to java class 2 and looking at C program "I can't believe I'm descended from THAT!"
A boolean passes a friend in the hall, who notes he looks quite depressed. The friend vaguely recalls a recent family tragedy and asks, "Hey, is it true your parents died last week in a Garbage Collection accident?" The boolean replies, "Yeah, and now I've got no place to live, either." The friend is shocked, and asks, "But weren't you in their will?" The boolean sighs and says, "Nope, no will, no inheritance..."
------------
PrivateKey knows that GeneralSecurityException is reviewing a List of soldiers in the Area for the SecurityManager position. Thinking highly of his Attributes, he makes a RemoteCall to an AccessController friend of his to check the job search CompletionStatus. His friend pulls his File, and sadly reports, "Sorry, but you didn't get it." The soldier is upset, and says, "But I had JobPriority!". His friend says, "Well, it says here you had a WeakReference..."
------------
A Timer was at a ScrollBar and noticed a particular Button was quite Observable. He walks up to her and says, "Hey, there, can I schedule a Date with you?" She replies, "OK, but I'm sure I'd have to cancel..."
------------
A customer is chatting with Mr. Key, owner of KeyStore, when Mr. Key suddenly collapses. Another customer who is a doctor rushes over to check while another calls 911. The customers ask the doctor what happened, and he replies, "Well, when I lift up any BodyPart on this side it's totally limp, so I'd guess he had a KeyStroke..."
------------
A TableModel, ListModel, and ColorModel are being photographed for the fall catalog, but the ListModel keeps giving RenderingHints to the photographer. Exasperated, the photographer calls up ListModel's boss and says, "She's driving me crazy - I can't do my PrintJob like this!" The boss tells him to put her on. She immediately starts whining, "I'm not a Robot or some MenuItem, and he doesn't care about my Image!" To that, the boss replies, "Look, you made your Point, so don't get all bent out of Shape. Just be Adjustable and have a more open Dialog with him. And don't forget that you're not the LayoutManager..."
------------
News Report: "A Java programmer in Silicon Valley was detained for quesitoning yesterday on an anonymous tip that he was using a Hashtable..."
------------
A Double is dating an int, and she decides to break it off. This thows him for a loop, and when he regains his composure he asks why. She replies, "You're always so selfish - it's always i this, and i that..."
Message #59366 Mark as noisy Mark as noisy Mark as noisy Post reply Post reply Post reply Go to top Go to top Go to top
Ask TSS: Do you have geeky EJB/Java jokes ?
Posted By: Ashok Upadhyaya on September 17, 2002 @ 05:01 PM in response to Message #36678 0 replies in this thread
Not exactly Java jokes.. but interesting jokes and one-liners.
1. ASCII a question .. Get an ANSI.
2. thespacebaronmykeyboardisnotworking.
3. Have you heard of Sun's Viagra for Windows... it converts your floppy disk into a hard disk.
package MS.pickpocket.utils
public class MSUtils {
public static C# getC#(){
return ( C# )new Java().clone();
}
}
Message #110057 Mark as noisy Mark as noisy Mark as noisy Post reply Post reply Post reply Go to top Go to top Go to top
Refactored RomeoAndJuliet
Posted By: Geoff Dinsdale on February 09, 2004 @ 09:37 AM in response to Message #36962 0 replies in this thread
/**
This code is full of bugs but please, do refactor it for further improvements.
*/
import org.theatre.*;
import org.shakespeare.*;
public class RomeoAndJuliet
{
Audience audience;
Thespians thespians;
public RomeoAndJuliet() {
audience = new Audience();
thespians = new Thespians();
}
public static void main(String args[]) {
Act act = new ActOne();
thespians.loadFor(act);
act.play();
audience.FemaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.RESTLESSBUTINTERESTED);
audience.MaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.LOOKATWATCH);
act = null;
act = new ActTwo();
thespians.loadFor(act);
act.play();
audience.FemaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.IDENTIFYWITHJULIET);
audience.MaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.LEMMEGETTOTHEBARFIRST);
act = null;
act = new ActThree();
thespians.loadFor(act);
act.play();
audience.FemaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.SHAKEYVOICECOMMENTS);
audience.MaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.JEEZCALLTHATAFIGHT);
act = null;
act = new ActFour();
thespians.loadFor(act);
act.play();
audience.FemaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.QUIETWEEPINGTOTALLYIDENTIFYWITHJULIET);
audience.MaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.HOHUMNOTLONGTOGO);
act = null;
act = new ActFive();
thespians.loadFor(act);
act.play();
audience.FemaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.UNASHAMEDWEEPING);
audience.MaleAudience.setAtmosphere(audience.MUSTPLAYDEEPLYMOVEDTOGETLAID);
}
}
public class Act {
public void play() {
}
}
public class ActTwo implements Act {
Romeo romeo;
boolean isJulietHappy;
public ActTwo {
romeo = null;
isJulietHappy = false;
}
public void play() {
part1();
part2();
}
.
.
public void part2() {
Romeo romeo = null;
boolean isJulietHappy = false;
int tryCount = 5;
while(!isJulietHappy && (tryCount > 0)) {
try {
romeo = new Romeo();
isJulietHappy = true;
}
catch(Exception e) {
Weep();
tryCount--;
}
}
}
}
