The funny Joke archive

[emm]

Not long enough!

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer. She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis". Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED.NOT LONG ENOUGH.
_________________
“You might say reality is the result of complex negotiations between the observer and the observed. But that is simply a point of view…”
Digital Bangladesh

[dude]

That is funny emm.

Johnny and Bill

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in
grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children
are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers
the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here.
I'm smart and will answer the question."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham
Lincoln." The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go
home." Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.

The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther
King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny
was even madder than before.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do
for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John
F.Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also
leave."

Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to
any of the questions.

Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these
bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

[quantum]

Men you guys are cracking me up. You dirty people! lol. Lemme try this then. Caution: Not for people under 18 years of age:

A competition was held in the States, by a newspaper, in order to find the most embarrassing moments in peoples lives.

The Winner Is..... From Harvard University:

During a biology class, the professor was discussing
the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female, (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?". "That's correct", responded the professor,
going on to add much statistical data.

Raising her hand again, the female student asked,
"Then why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, or rather implied. So, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and
not in the back of your throat!"
_________________

Dust fills my eyes / Clouds roll by / and I roll with them / Centuries cry / Orders fly / and I fall again
Afford best design, implement best solution. Outsource your web design.

[quantum]

Okay here is a clean one for a change.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
_________________

Dust fills my eyes / Clouds roll by / and I roll with them / Centuries cry / Orders fly / and I fall again
Afford best design, implement best solution. Outsource your web design.

[emm]

As if you were so innocent yourself!? Okay we will try to act as kiddy as possible from now.


When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
_________________
“You might say reality is the result of complex negotiations between the observer and the observed. But that is simply a point of view…”
Digital Bangladesh

[dude]

Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a suburban junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simpson, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced.

Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simpson, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you need to get your head out of the gutter and pay attention. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[hasnatme]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to Her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed , "I don't Have any money.
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next
room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and
Close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead . take it out...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well then............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips and tentatively said...........
"Hello. Mum.........., can you hear me?"
_________________
Just Fly With Your Dreams!!!
Digital Vision

[hasnatme]

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter. Duh!!
_________________
Just Fly With Your Dreams!!!
Digital Vision

[hasnatme]

This one goes for Girls!!!

Quote:

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a women?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, well built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, while unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest He whispers: "Here, iron this for me."

_________________
Just Fly With Your Dreams!!!
Digital Vision

[emm]

hehe Hasnat, ROFLAO. I like your second joke. Yes!!! That's what women are for. Hope your wife or girlfriend don't see it.
_________________
“You might say reality is the result of complex negotiations between the observer and the observed. But that is simply a point of view…”
Digital Bangladesh

[dude]

hasnat. Lucky you that there are no girls around here to reply to you. So let me try this:

Men are like department stores...
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations...
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers...
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like coolers...
Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars...
sweet, smooth and they usually head straight for your hips.
Men are like coffee...
The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long.
Men are like horoscopes...
They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong.
Men are like plungers...
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or in the bathroom.
Men are like cement...
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like snowstorms...
You never know when they are coming, how many inches you will get, or how long it will last.
How are men and parking places alike?
The good ones are usually gone and what's left are handicapped.
Why is it hard for women to find sensitive, caring and good looking men?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

[hasnatme]

@emm
Yeah Ofcourse My wife or Girl Friend didn't see or know this...cause I have not any.......
@dude
I like your simpathy to the girls..and you have prove again.....that girls are always depended on guys.

NB:Only In Subcontinetal Country.
_________________
Just Fly With Your Dreams!!!
Digital Vision

[emm]

Now I am sorry for you hasnat. Poor thing... But at least we are on the same boat.

After the U.S. bombed Saddam Hussian, all of his look alikes were gathered together. The Iraqi in charge spoke to the doubles. "We have good news and bad news. The good news is that Saddam has survived the bombing!" *much rejoicing* "What's the bad news?," Asks a Saddam. "The bad news is that he lost an arm."
_________________
“You might say reality is the result of complex negotiations between the observer and the observed. But that is simply a point of view…”
Digital Bangladesh

[dude]

Okay whatever you say hasnat.

Another joke:

Three freshman engineering students were sitting
around one day arguing about who might've designed
the human body.

The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical
engineer. The human body has all those levers and
pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have
designed all that."

The second one said, "No, it had to have been an
electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are
wired up to the brain must have been designed by an
electrical engineer."

Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil
engineer. Who else would have run a waste water
line through a recreational area?"

[quantum]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, eminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning...... Today you voted for us!"
_________________

Dust fills my eyes / Clouds roll by / and I roll with them / Centuries cry / Orders fly / and I fall again
Afford best design, implement best solution. Outsource your web design.