Joined: 10 Mar 2004 Posts: 376
Location: Savar, Dhaka
Post subject:
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up!"
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the damn car."
Thu Sep 23, 04 9:00 am
quantum Site Admin
Joined: 07 Mar 2004 Posts: 1048
Location: Dhaka, Bangladesh
Post subject: Tomato joke
How to Grow Beautiful Tomatoes...
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable
garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to
ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really
quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and
in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn
red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried
his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?" "No," she replied
excitedly..... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!" _________________
Dust fills my eyes / Clouds roll by / and I roll with them / Centuries cry / Orders fly / and I fall again
Afford best design, implement best solution. Outsource your web design.
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries. _________________ “You might say reality is the result of complex negotiations between the observer and the observed. But that is simply a point of view…”
Digital Bangladesh
Fri Sep 24, 04 2:56 am
dude Power User
Joined: 10 Mar 2004 Posts: 376
Location: Savar, Dhaka
Post subject: Getting divorced in heaven
Yes, that will be my job application right there very soon.
Here is another one:
Couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
Fri Sep 24, 04 4:21 am
quantum Site Admin
Joined: 07 Mar 2004 Posts: 1048
Location: Dhaka, Bangladesh
Post subject:
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!" _________________
Dust fills my eyes / Clouds roll by / and I roll with them / Centuries cry / Orders fly / and I fall again
Afford best design, implement best solution. Outsource your web design.
Fri Sep 24, 04 12:09 pm
quantum Site Admin
Joined: 07 Mar 2004 Posts: 1048
Location: Dhaka, Bangladesh
Post subject:
TWO women were chatting and one asked the other,
"Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having
passionate intercourse?"
Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone
call at a time like that?" _________________
Dust fills my eyes / Clouds roll by / and I roll with them / Centuries cry / Orders fly / and I fall again
Afford best design, implement best solution. Outsource your web design.
Sat Sep 25, 04 6:14 am
quantum Site Admin
Joined: 07 Mar 2004 Posts: 1048
Location: Dhaka, Bangladesh
Post subject:
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.
Joined: 10 Mar 2004 Posts: 376
Location: Savar, Dhaka
Post subject:
heheee that's funny quantum. Men are so easy to please! Not me though. It takes much more than naked woman to please me.
Sat Sep 25, 04 10:23 am
dude Power User
Joined: 10 Mar 2004 Posts: 376
Location: Savar, Dhaka
Post subject: Signs of time
Signs of time
Actual Business Signs
On an Electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area"If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door"Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window"Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window"Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window"Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot"Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium"Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door"Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop"Dye now!"
On the door of a Computer Store"Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
On the door of a Music Library"Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office"Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional
Sun Sep 26, 04 5:23 am
dude Power User
Joined: 10 Mar 2004 Posts: 376
Location: Savar, Dhaka
Post subject:
Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."
"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"
I like the trutle one hehe. Sounds like my friends.
GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a *%#&¤?§* .
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so
What did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a *%#&¤?§* .
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a *%#&¤?§* .
GIRL: But, he took my cloths off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a *%#&¤?§* .
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a *%#&¤?§* .
GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: The *%#&¤?§* ! _________________ “You might say reality is the result of complex negotiations between the observer and the observed. But that is simply a point of view…”
Digital Bangladesh
Sun Sep 26, 04 10:28 pm
quantum Site Admin
Joined: 07 Mar 2004 Posts: 1048
Location: Dhaka, Bangladesh
Post subject:
lol emm, I am LMAO. That aids bit was real funny.
A short one.
"You have very serious illness" said a doctor to his patient. "I want a second opinion" said the patient. "OK, you are ugly too" replied a doc. _________________
Dust fills my eyes / Clouds roll by / and I roll with them / Centuries cry / Orders fly / and I fall again
Afford best design, implement best solution. Outsource your web design.
Mon Sep 27, 04 3:56 am
dude Power User
Joined: 10 Mar 2004 Posts: 376
Location: Savar, Dhaka
Post subject:
Yeah emm that last one was good. Man I was rolling on the floor literally.
I'm sure you can imagine
As plain as can be
The place is Piccalilli
The players He and She.
She whispered "Will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore".
Then finally contended
Lay back and relax a bit
Quickly and readily he bent over her
And then he started it.
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been quite a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
His face was filled with a grin
"Try and open a bit wider
So I can get it in".
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I am having this".
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while".
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind! _________________ “You might say reality is the result of complex negotiations between the observer and the observed. But that is simply a point of view…”
Digital Bangladesh
Mon Sep 27, 04 11:37 pm
dude Power User
Joined: 10 Mar 2004 Posts: 376
Location: Savar, Dhaka
